This song is about emerging from going through some devastating life experiences that re-shape your entire being and mental state. It’s also about not judging and resenting yourself because of the cards and situations you’ve been dealt. If things aren’t quite right, appreciate what you do have, ride with that until things come right. Sometimes life just gets really tough and it tests you, even breaks you. Sometimes you might feel like you will never be the person you once were, or resent the person you are, but these times will change, you can rebuild yourself and though it takes time to heal, you can fully enjoy life again if you stand the course. 

At the time of writing this I had the awful ‘bad life event x3’ experience. You know they say it never rains it pours. My spirit was broken. I felt so bad internally I thought I was ill, at one point I tried CBT, the therapist explained that from what I was describing, depression was most likely the case for how I felt physically. I thought, Me? I don’t get depressed. Turned out she was right and it took a very long time to recognise and shake the depression!

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Because I was not dealing with what I was going through it properly, I was spiralling out of control. I had got into fights with old enemies in pubs, ruined peoples parties, hurt peoples feelings and getting myself into dangerous situations. Past traumas of violence had me sleep walking and shouting nonsense in the middle of the night. I didn’t realise, but having come back home to London, the curse of the area that once affected me as a youth was getting back into me again.  South London can have weird way of getting into your psyche and turning you into a nut case. 

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The first of those 3 ills was that a relationship I put my heart and soul into ended. It wasn’t the fact it ended that hurt me so much, it was the amount I put myself through to try make it work. I was embarrassed about my self for all the hurt and insult I allowed myself to have inflicted on us both. I was so angry that someone I loved could fuck with my emotions so much. I swallowed it all for so long until I realised what a fool I was being to go along with it all. For a long time it made me kill the mindset and person who believed in true love. I don’t just mean true love with a person. Now looking back I know that actually feeling love in every aspect of my existence had been dampened. It’s because my mindset was becoming resentful about things not going the way I thought life should go. Deep down the child in me was hurting and throwing a tantrum, it hid and became a passive observer of my life and no longer a free agent in my psyche. My thoughts were asking why all these bad things were happening? I was stuck in a type of victim mentality. If you want to grow, you cannot be a victim in your mind. 

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To make things worse a friend and brother of one of my best friends had been murdered down the road in my home town in London. He was a young man full of promise and talent. I was excited to start working with him on some music. He was already seeing greater successes than me despite being younger. His family and everyone in the area always spoke of him as a hope and example of making success despite going through what this area seemed to throw our way. This wasn’t the only affliction my family and local community were going through by any means, but it was the most tragic by far. 

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The final straw for me was snapping a ligament in my knee. By trade I’ve worked as a tree surgeon. Tree surgery has paid my bills and paid for the production of music, it has been my life line for existing. One night, just out on a date someone freakily fell on my leg. I took the weight and my knee bent inwards and made a snapping noise. I found I couldn’t stand on the leg without it giving way. 

I thought the next day, oh its just out of place I’ll put it back, I was trying to flick it back into place until the girl I was seeing convinced me to go to hospital. They told my my ACL had snapped, which is a big deal. I thought I’ll be back to normal soon, I’ll heal… No chance. It turned out to be a life changing injury. I couldn’t walk at all for months. I couldn’t work. I used to dance for therapy, that was out the window. I spent my entire savings to get by. I eventually trained my leg enough to walk and even work, but it would pop out and hurt like hell all the time. After a while I had an operation. It’s still not right and perhaps the graft has failed since because it still pops out time to time, but after all this time I’ve trained myself to cope. I want to thank all the people that helped me along that long and hard road. I wouldn’t have made it back to myself if it wasn’t for you.

All blessings in life are the result of a series of good little deeds by those you meet.

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The thing is, all these experiences took such a toll that I didn’t recognise my internal self for a very long time. It’s been years since I wrote this song and only now do I feel like me again, but it was back then that I realised that I was going to come back with the new scars and still be fucking thankful for life, who I am, what I’ve experienced and who I have around me. My family, community and I am unique, we are not perfect, but inside we are powerful. 

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Where at one point you feel like these emotions and experiences have dampened or even lessened you, you can reach a new point in life- I won’t lie, not without some hard and low times- but you reach a new point and you can be thankful for everything again. The sun shines on you through a gap, snow falls on your eyelid, birds sing and you feel every part of life and once again you feel like you are part of the universe again- The flowing energies of life.

If you ever feel beside yourself looking in, if you ever feel dead behind the eyes or lost, don’t despair, just keep on going and try new things with hope and be careful how you are with others. It’s ok to be how and where you are, you just have to be honest and don’t pretend you are something you are not. I’m sorry if I pissed off or hurt anyone in this time. I was low and negative and foolish thoughts spilled into my everyday life. I ruined a lot of parties and fell out with and hurt some people’s feelings, projected my negative self onto real angels. Thankyou for putting up with me...